Anger is not a bad feeling. Back in primitive times, when it was normal to be chased by a wild animal, your fight-or-flight Tension The response was the difference between life and death.
These days, as you do through COVID-19, distance education, Social distancing, And other aspects of the epidemic – as well as the usual frustrations and responsibilities of raising a baby – can trigger something as simple as your child refusing to take off their shoes Tension Feedback.
“Parents are doing a lot, and anything that challenges a child can be magnified in terms of impact,” says Mary Kurashahi, co-director of the Stanford Parenting Center. “Stress levels are high and reserves are low. This is a recipe for difficult conversation because everyone is struggling. “
Your anger is normal, but how you handle it is important. Knowing where it comes from can help.
There is a reason that your child annoys you so much more than anyone else.
Says Qureshi, “The people we love and care for the most are the ones who frustrate us the most.” “Not only do we love them; We feel a deep sense of responsibility for them. When they are behaving in ways that are frustrating, we may feel inadequate, as if we have control over everything. It is difficult to keep perspective and not react. “
Each child is an individual, but they often seem like small mirrors that “reflect all your old unresolved issues,” Jennifer Reubens, a post-graduate physician at the Nurture House in Franklin, TN. “When something is not right in you, you do not give that much grace to others.”
Model Healthy Anger
Now more than ever, your children see everything you do because you are together so often.
“For me, it’s really important to break a cycle in my family that comes from it Addiction, mental illness, And anger. I want to provide my children as much of the serene environment as possible, “says Lindsay Cavett, director of Expressing Motherhood in Los Angeles and mother of three children aged 14,” I need to be an open, good adult when I am. Relationship with them.
“A few years ago, someone said, ‘Life is going to be quite difficult for them. We need to have a soft spot for them.’ Really resonates with me,” says Kevette.
Even when you think they are not paying attention, everything you do is more powerful than the things you say to your children. If you want your child to have emotional literacy or to understand what they are feeling and have healthy ways of expressing it, then you need to show them how.
“Anger is very scary for children. “Seeing parents out of control can be terrible for them,” says Qureshi. “This is a huge responsibility we have. It’s okay to be angry It is a normal, healthy emotional response. What you do with it matters. “
Can become repressed anger depression. If you can, talk to your children through your temper to identify it and it is okay to feel it.
“What we want to do is for the children to identify that feeling so that they understand that it is okay to express anger,” Rubens says. “You can say, ‘I’m getting angry. I’m going to take a few deep breaths because if I tried to talk it wouldn’t be alright.’ Or ‘I’m getting angry today. Let’s do ours To breathe Exercise or run ”
Qureshi says that whether or not they do this to you does not matter because you are showing them what to do.
Recognize physical signs of anger
Anger comes quickly and can be difficult to slow down, but your body sends a lot of warning signals.
“Your breath can change. You may feel more hot or increase in your Heart rate, “Qureshi says.” There is tension in my neck; some people feel it in their jaws or fists. “
make a plan
Regular sleep and Exercise Relax your body and you need to deal with hopeless situations.
Mental preparation is another important part of your plan. When you are not in the heat of the moment, come up with a phrase or mantra when you can feel your anger when you increase your anger, such as “I am enough,” “I am from my anger.” Am more, “or” it will also pass. “
Qureshi says, “Think about it in advance and practice it when you are mildly irritated.” “That’s how it gets interrupted because when we’re really angry it’s hard to think.”
Press pause button
This is easier said than done, but stopping stops your anger.
“Stopping is an option,” Qureshi says. “We can be distant and reactive. It sounds like life or death, but it is not. We can always stop and come back. “
When you get angry, stop and:
- to breathe
- Walk out of the room
- Get a glass of water
- Say a quiet mantra
- Focus on a moving image that is relaxing you, such as a memory or place that is special and serene
Involve your children while you can
“The endless process of cleaning the house makes me a little out of control. I feel my anger and take it out on the children, ”says Kewat.
When her husband had surgery during the epidemic, Kevat got an idea for a chore chart from an old TV show.
“we are looking little House on the Prairie At night, and the children of that show are always there to work, “She says.” My therapist says, ‘Talk to your kids and tell them what’s going on, so I told them,’ I’m cracking you up a lot, and I don’t want to do that. This will help me make a chart chart. ‘
“It is uncomfortable to tell them that I am screaming at them, but I am doing a lot and not saying that it doesn’t matter. Now, instead of me asking them to do it and do it, they go to the core chart. “
Take a break
“When you’re empty, it’s hard to fill someone else’s cup,” Rubens says. “Every parent finds creative ways to fill their own cup. If you have a partner, look at your schedule and find places where you can give each other a break. If you don’t, ask for help if you can. Teach Grandma to use the zoom so you can go to another room and close your eyes for 5 minutes. You just need to reset your body. “
A Hard Time Transfer to Peace? Rubens suggests the five-senses method.
“Think for yourself Eyes: What would you like to see? Your nose: what smell makes you happy? For your mouth, gum is an excellent stress release that makes serotonin more Dopamine in your brain. Hershey’s kisses are not for eating: suck on him; Taste it What music Makes you happy Get a stress ball to release energy in your hands. “
Choose to connect
Work around mental and physical isolation the epidemic has brought into your life.
When you get angry with a child who is difficult, then some common things go on in your mind. You may wonder: Why is my child so difficult? Why am I such a bad parent? Why is it so hard for me?
Qureshi says, “You feel alone.” This can help in getting connected. This is difficult for all parents, and most parents are in the exact position that is making you angry. So text or FaceTime a friend, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Or connect with others in a self-care setting.
“I have two young children and I work. Lately I’ve been awake before note, “Qureshi says.” I’ve found an online group and I’m feeling connected when I’m doing this. This is a great way to start the day. “
Breakage and repair
You’re getting angry, and that’s fine. Everyone is a qualified person. What’s more important is how you get back from it.
Qureshi says, “It is important for your children to know that breakdown is part of human relationships. “Repair is also important. When we are not proud of how we have interacted with our children, it is important to apologize immediately without any mistake. “Accept your part, and maybe later have a conversation about what the child can do. Pay attention to the desire to fix your relationship.
And get ready for what comes next.
“I certainly apologize; “I am good at something,” said Kewat, who was brought up in a family that did not directly address his feelings. “But I know I have to take a deep breath because later half of an hour is about to take off on me. When my children feel my anger and they are afraid, they try to calm me down by saying Let’s say ‘this food is really good, mother.’ When the mother’s vault reopens, they open it.
Get support if you feel that you are angry more often and more severely than other parents in similar situations, or if you have long-standing anger issues that have become part of your family culture .
“It’s not bad to get angry in front of your children, as long as it doesn’t hurt them,” Rubens says.